It's a long time..

That was such a long time since I last blog..
During this period, so much has changed.
I am officially single now after so long.
Drastic change in my emotions - been in the most down

Thanks to my EQ
Never know that being single is much more happier than a married life
Wouldn't put all blame on him.
Could only blame on myself
For trusting the wrong person
For kept on giving him chances

Being single unofficially for 1.5 years, I thought I will never fall in love again.
In fact I am afraid of falling in love again till I found him..

We have known each other for 6 years but seldom talk to each other
There were on and off texting
Till recently
We are texting day and night
Sharing almost every moments in a day
He told me secretly that he had some good feelings towards me when we were in Sheffield.
But was told that I was engaged in a relationship.
Memory flashed back at that moment as I remembered I have some feelings towards him too when we were in Sheffield.
But only memory I had about him was a group of us was drinking below of his flat the night.

So far I have found him
A very sweet guy
A very considerate guy
A lovely guy
A cute guy
A happy guy

He sings well. First song he sang to me was the chorus part of "Ni zen me she de wo nan guo"
He likes pooh
He likes piano
It seems that we shared common interests.

But honestly I am afraid to be in love and at the same time hope to be loved by someone
In dilemma
Afraid of being hurt
Afraid of the downs
Afraid of losing again
Afraid of "too good to be true"

Nightmares

When sweet dreams turned into nightmares

Brain stopped working

World was in darkness

Outburst of tears

But after a period of cooling down

Am awake

Tears changed to anger

And made me a stronger person

What is love? 

I do not know it anymore

Did not know it could be that scary

Do not even dare to think about it

God is good to me

He gave me courage

He gave me wisdom

Hopefully is the end of the nightmares

My life is far way better without u

Missing

Have never in such feeling before

Have never ever looking back on the past

Have never ever wanting to return to the past

But, suddenly felt this way

Missing life in University so much

Missing friends in University so much

Missing my single days so much

Just wanting to return to the past

Am I not happy with the current?

Am I not contented?

Am I too demanding?

Am I thinking too much?

Nothing can be done

Work hard

Pray hard

Things will eventually get better hopefully

What Has Gone Wrong?

Life after ROM wasn't as happy as I thought

Been optimistic

Been giving lots of chances thinking things would get better

But it hasn't

What has gone wrong?

Been asking myself have I chose the wrong one

Been thinking he wasn't the one I desired

I know this shouldn't pop up in my mind

What has gone wrong with my life?

Tried not to think about things that cannot be undone

Tried my best to accept everything about him

Tried to swallow my tears

And told myself everything will be fine

Baby, you are mommy's strength to move on

Please grow up healthily and happily

Nothing else mommy would demand

Mommy will try to give you the best

I love you, baby!

What Can I Do To Make Life Better?

Indeed life is full of ups and downs

And yes I am at the most down now

Financial problem at this time is not fun

Baby arriving soon

Everything is just in mess

Nothing can be done apart from wiping tears off days and nights

No one to speak to

Few could help out

What can I do to make life better?

Think You Are Very Secretive

After getting together for about six months

After living together for about two months

I thought I have knew you better

But found out that you are way too secretive

You did not tell the truth
You did not do the things you promised to
There are too many doubts
How could I find out

Do not know what are you up to

Do not know what are your motive of being secretive

Are there too many things that I should not know

Am I not qualify to know the truth

I am so lost

God, please guide me

What Are Words?

There is just a thin line between lies and saying words when you do not mean them

So, promise could be lies sometimes

Although white lies might make people feel good

But it is only good if the truth never been found

Although truth could be cruel and hurtful

But the hurt could be lesser

So, yes, what are words 

If you really do not mean them when you say them

What are words 

If they are only for good times then they don't

Will Life Gets Better?

Stop procrastinating

Should really get a job

Stop being lay back

Should have depend on no one, but yourself

Stress is all back again

Depression is back too

Sleepless nights begin

Feel like escaping

What the hell is going on?

Problems start when begin to believe

Got into a relationship

Where problems cannot be shared

He gives me the best 

And the worst 

Would not want the worst to continue
Hope that the love is true

Hopefully things will get better

Job found

Love last a lifetime

As this will be the last

A Moment Worth To Be Noted - 27/04/2011

27/04/2011 is a memorable day

It is such a nice day -

Hanged out with friends.

Drank a few pints.

Interesting and long chat.

He offered to walk me back.

Stargazing under the night sky is what I always wanted.

Didn't know that he knows about the stars too.

We spotted the Big Dipper. 

Tried to find the Southern Cross Star and Orion

But couldn't find it.

Atmosphere was just right.

The night was just sweet and memorable.

Everything was just right.

We both love stargazing.

When will we meet again? 

I guess it will be in June.

He said he can't wait for it.

I can't wait for it too, but that's for real.

What's your feelings towards me?

Where Am I Heading To?

Been busy for the past two months

On things with no contentment

On things with no responsibility of mine

On things which never bring me a better future

I wanna run

Far away from where I am now

No more grieving

No more disruption

Thanks God for showing me the opportunities

What I need now is

Determination

Wisdom

Hard work

Pessimistic

Been feeling pessimistic about every single thing of my life... 

My future??

My love life??

My job??

My friends??

What could I do? What will my future be?

"Sorry That I Loved You"

"Sorry that I loved you" - A very nice song from Ni An Dong.
"Sorry that I loved you" - Reminds me of him.
"Sorry that I loved you" - A sentence that he said to me on 05 March 2009.
"Sorry that I loved you" - Reminds me of the hurt.
"Sorry that I loved you" - A song that made me cry.
"Sorry that I loved you" - Reflects our situation 100%.

"Sorry that I loved you" - A sentence that made me love with anger.

Umiiyak aq...

Current me... couldn't sleep
Current me... still thinking of you
Current me... listening to our conversation
Current me... listening to your singing
Current me... crying over you
Current me... wanted to hug you so much
Current me... thinking of you so much
Current me... wanted to have you so much
Current me... wanted to speak to you
Current me... just miss you...
BBQ, mis n mis nkta sobra...
14344.....

I thought...

Years passed by,

Already got used of the life without you.

Always wanting to start a new relationship,

To find someone who belongs to me.

The click has arrived.

He plays guitar too.

To him, I am perfect.
He wanted so much to own me.

Went out a few times with him,

Thought a new relationship is about to begin.

But, when he asked "Can you be my gf?"

Found out that I'm not ready at all.

Is it because he is still not the one I really want to be with?

Or is it because I still couldn't get over you?

"What do I want?" A question that I have been asking myself always.

Still, no answer.

Our memories just kept flashing in my mind.

When the music plays,

All I think is just about you.

Why?

Only you can...

The emo me

Was extremely happy yesterday.

Not even 24 hours, feeling emo again.

Too stress? Too tired? No idea...

Was crying badly in the dream.

Found myself woke up with tears.

Currently,

Just hope to relax by the seaside.

Believe the sound of the wave could sweep all my stress & unhappiness away.

Just hope to have a shoulder to lean on.

Silently, peacefully, fall asleep...

Sleepless Night

Another sleepless night

Thinking of you

Tears dropped 

Wanted so much to talk to you 

***I miss you, Kelvin***

To: BBQ

Looking at the current you, I'm happy

This has proved my decision right

Looking at the father-to-be, I'm happy

As this is what you hoped for

Looking at your fb, I'm happy

I can feel that you're thinking of me (as if you are)

Congratulation that you've moved on to the next stage of life

Wondering when will be my turn

I've gained lots from our relationship

Which is the reason of me being single till now (Sorry that I lie. Just to make you n your gf feel better)

May the good Lord bless you and your family

Peace to you and your family

Wishing you and your family happiness and healthy always

Regrets

What could be done on the feeling of regrets?

On the lovely evening 10-06-2010

Me, my bro Jacky and his bunch of friends had a lovely night out for drinks

Memorable night out

Lovely night out

Enjoyable night out

Something has happened 

Wondering if it's right
Wondering how things just happened

Thousands feeling of regrets

I hope it's just a dream

I hope those memory doesn't stay long

It's time...

I'm happy to know that you are still thinking of me

I'm happy to know that you are hoping to talk to me again

But, I still do not have the courage to talk to you

I wonder why

You are my sweetest memory 

I will make it just a memory

It's never been easy for me 

To leave the memory that has been tattooed

But, it's really time to move on

It's time to let go the past

It's time to stop living in the memory

It's time to move on to the next episode

It's time to give myself a chance

It's time to give others a chance

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart

Bonnie Tyler